Of course all the books I ordered arrived today, just a few days before I want to try to start writing a ridiculous amount of words when July starts (Camp NaNo).
That sounds like I’m upset that I have new books to read.
I am not.
But it may mean that I won’t get to read them as quickly as I wanted since I also want to write.
Or it may mean that I won’t write because the books are too good.
Either of those options may send me into a bad mood that will try to keep the words from being written and the pages from being read, because that’s just the kind of mood I’m in lately.
Yeah. Little things that don’t bother me when I’m in a good head space are making me do drastic things like delete my Facebook posts from forever. I did it at work, and I did it on my personal one. At this point, I’m even refusing to share posts there because every time I run across something that seems valid and interesting, the
worry fear terror that there will be something controversial about it somehow and it will make a friend attack the information being presented (not me, mind you – I realize I’m not being attacked), and I will be feel like an utter failure who is completely incapable of forming acceptable opinions, or defending them.
That’s also probably why I’m not posting videos, either. I hadn’t thought about that.
Here’s where I am right now:
- depressed mood
(I don’t have a diagnosis, so I won’t say “depressed” or “depression”, but that’s probably what this is)
- hyper-sensitive to criticism
(I know criticism isn’t always an attack, but right now it doesn’t feel that way)
- general malaise
(consisting of sleeping, scrolling on my phone, or drinking instead of doing something productive like reading, writing, or recording videos)
It’s a MEH mood. And not the good kind of “meh” where it’s an expression of “it is what it is,” but rather the “meh” where you can’t bring yourself to care about anything while at the same time everything feels like a personal attack meant to prove to you what a piece of crap you really are.
I know I’m not a piece of crap. I’m pretty cool, actually. My heart is usually in the right place. I’m kind of attractive. I’m a good mom.
But it doesn’t feel like that. It feels like nothing.
Happy Saturday, and Loves.