Oh, hello!

The use of exclamation point in the title of this post may imply that the author is doing better than they actually are.

Or not. Right now, actually, I feel okay. I am doing laundry, which means I am not in the house with most of the issues that have been causing considerable stress. This either means I’m really good at compartmentalizing, or there’s something wrong with me that I’m able to “turn off” my stress/anxiety/depression when I’m not around the triggers for it.

Meh. Something along those lines.

So, how are you? Taking care of yourself? I hope so. Maybe doing laundry is that for me. I’m not sure. At the very least, as I mentioned, I’m not facing the consequences of my stressors, because they are in another location, or I haven’t been forced to look at them closely (that will happen tomorrow night with one of them, unfortunately). So I’m calm-ish, able to get some perspective (no one is dead, or currently in the hospital, and we are together – we will be okay), and I have a little time for me.

Currently, time for me includes working through my four journals (bullet journal planner, Start Today journal with gratitudes and goals, shared journal, and personal journal/occasional YouTube planner), watching a Minecraft Twitch stream, thinking about meditating and filming when this is over (not at the same time), and planning a book recommendation list to add to this blog. That’s kind of the plan for the day, actually. I have a couple hours left before laundry will be done, so I may get quite a bit of it accomplished.

My friend pointed out something in the comments that I’m really embracing right now. After ranting about “niche” for a bit (I probably very nearly have that rant out of my system), my friend pointed out that

I don’t know what I’m doing
and you can’t stop me

really is my niche right now.

I love that. I love that so hard. Because yeah, with the establishment of this blog, after having so many others, I did kind of sort out that I will write about whatever I want to write about, whenever I want to do it, because ultimately this has to be for me before it will ever be for anyone else. In fact, it may only ever be for me in terms of I may never gain a huge following. Will I allow it to survive that long? I sincerely hope so, but it’s hard to tell.

And that is going to be my niche on YouTube, too. Another friend told me her advisor told her to just make the videos right now, that her niche will reveal itself with time. And yes! That, too, I love. Because while right now I’m just going to Do The Thing, at some point I could narrow things down and things could really have a definitive theme. Or a different theme, I suppose. It’s okay to change.

it’s okay to change.

I need to remember that. Change is normal. Change is life. Nothing is static, and getting comfortable with change is going to change (ha-ha) my life in a good way. Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable is good.

Hard, maybe, but good.

So I don’t have to be the person I am now in 5 years, or 5 months, or 5 days (although that last one seems drastic).


I may have gotten off track today.

That’s all right.

I love me anyway.

I hope you have a great day today.

And if you aren’t having a great day, I hope you have an okay day.

And if you aren’t having an okay day, I hope tomorrow is better.



I went to my very first well-doctor/new patient appointment today. I don’t think I’ve been to the doctor without being sick since I was little. I only go if I’m not feeling well, and it takes flu-level sick (or that one time with the back pain while pregnant) to get me there.

In January, when I got sick, I found out I was no longer a patient with my previous doctor, which was absolutely a blessing in disguise. I didn’t like the guy, and his office was very far away. So I went to the little CVS Minute Clinics for the flu and for shingles, and promised myself when I got better I’d get a regular doctor.

So I made the appointment on Tuesday, and I was able to be seen today. It worked really well! My doctor is nice and energetic and probably a little younger than me, and it turns out that I’m relatively healthy. Blood pressure, etc are splendid. It’s just…

Well, I’m fat. I knew that. It’s hard to miss. So I got a little lecture, but it wasn’t as bad as I was expecting.

I told her I’d been walking lately, and she launched into the lecture about, well, if you want to lose weight, it’s all about the carbs/sugar. And I was like, no, I’m not trying to lose weight, I’m trying to move more. I’m not even worrying about my food right now. I don’t care about that. I can focus on this one thing – walking, and then at the end of March, trying to run. I can focus on that, and when that’s a habit, maybe we’ll talk about food.

But she did mention a thing – because don’t think for a second that me telling her that “losing weight” is a phrase that if I focus on it will guarantee failure stopped her lecture – that was kind of interesting. Along with her “carbs are not good”, “yogurt is full of sugar and pasteurized so much to erase any probiotic bonus (except Greek yogurt”, and “fat will stay in your digestive tract for 9 hours but sugar’s in your bloodstream in 60 minutes” spiel, she mentioned something about sugar and protein on the nutrition label.

I don’t know how she got on this particular point, because one moment she’s telling me that breakfast cereal, yogurt, and granola bars are bad, and the next minute she’s telling me that on the nutrition label you should be looking for sugar in the single digits, and protein in the double digits. Come to think of it, she might have been talking about granola/protein bars. That would make sense. But I just glommed onto the Sugar 1, Protein 2 bit.

So anyway. I’m still not going to be worrying about what I eat, if I’m honest, although I will keep what she said in the back of my mind. “Diet” is another one of those words that you might call a “trigger” – I’m not going on another fucking Diet ever, but thinking about nutrition is totally something that seems possible.

Once the moving is a habit. And the water. And I’m still working on both.

Oh, and I get bloodwork tomorrow! I feel so Adult. ๐Ÿ˜‰

February, I’m getting really tired of you trying to copy January’s sh*t.

Actually, February (with one recent exception which I will not mention other to say that it involved Junior Youth and everyone is fine) wasn’t too bad to me. In fact, I finally started doing one of the things I’ve vaguely wanted to do since I got back from the RISE Weekend in January.

Screenshot of Apple's Activity app showing closed circles from Feb 9-24

I have been doing the “move your body for 30 minutes a day” thing! I’m really proud of myself. I haven’t been so physically active since the late 90’s, early 00’s when I tried the Body for Life program. The flu knocked me out of that one, and I just never got back on track.

As much improvement as there’s been in my head in terms of accepting how my body looks (mostly) and being happy at peace with my weight (more or less), I am decidedly unsatisfied with one particular piece about my health.

Two particular pieces.

  1. My knees.
  2. Getting winded when walking up stairs

I mean, my body is pretty strong. It carries me around. My blood pressure is normal. But my knees, man. I can’t crouch, or they’ll give out. I don’t do squats for fear of the same. And I absolutely cannot kneel on the floor (which has made my first two attempts at yoga go particularly poorly) without significant padding because my knees will feel bruised for a week.

And stairs. I get winded. I want to be able to walk up a flight of stairs. That is all.

So, yeah. I’ve been moving. Walking is my favorite move, but I’m trying to do some yoga, too, because I want to be a person who likes yoga nearly as much as I used to want to be a person who liked running.

Speaking of running, I’m also going to be doing the local, in-person, couch-to-5K group in March, and I’ve signed up for the local breast cancer walk/run event in October. This is kind of exciting for me, because, as I just mentioned, I used to really want to be a person who liked running. I even bought a pair of honest-to-goodness running shoes about five years ago, but then I never ran in them. This is clearly a side-effect of the previously mentioned personal development conference that I did in January, as that company is putting on a 10K/half marathon event in December. While I had no intention of doing that particular run at the time of the event when it was revealed (nor do I now), apparently the idea took root.

And oh yeah, I’ve also been practicing getting comfortable in front of a camera! It’s nothing fancy, I just occasionally remember to take my picture when I’m out for a walk. Clearly not every day, but once in a while. I tend to take them at an angle (that’s the best I can manage one-handed), and I’m not always in a good mood (see picture #4), but they’re turning out well. I might keep the practice up, and post them in a group from time to time.

And that is just about all I wanted to say! I hope everyone else is having a fabulous month. See you in a bit!

Sky, the: (reach for it)

A rainbow in the cloudy sky

I’m going to be doing the Blog All About It blog challenge by herding cats & burning soup. If you like to blog, itโ€™s not too late to start!

I am going to shamelessly steal this blog prompt (so I can keep the streak going) and use it for my own nefarious purposes. I could talk about pretty clouds or rainbows (see the lovely featured image), but what I really wanted to talk about for a moment was “reaching for the sky.” (I wanted to find another way to phrase it, but all the ideas I had didn’t quite fit, so we’re sticking with this one.)

In my last post I talked about impulse spending, more or less. I heard about a conference, I immediately wanted to go, and I wanted to buy the most expensive VIP ticket because I have no idea why – it’s out of my budget and my comfort zone.

But I got it in my head, so okay. I’ve done this before. I’ll tell myself, “If I could earn $X by Y date, then I’ll do it.”

I have never once earned $X by Y date, nor even come close to even attempting it after I decided to.

So, as is my habit, I said to myself, “Self, give yourself 3 weeks to earn half the ticket price. If you can raise the $900 by August 21st, then get that damn VIP ticket. Earning so much so fast will prove to you that it can be done, and earning the rest of the money will be easy before the conference date arrives. And if you don’t earn the $900, get the cheapest ticket available anyway. It sounds like a really great opportunity, and you wouldn’t have to pay for a hotel because there is family nearby to couch surf with.”

Much to my surprise, I started finding some of the money. I asked my place of business to pay me for some furniture they’d offered to pay me for a year ago, but that I hadn’t taken action on, and got more than I asked for. I fulfilled some surveys and offers on Swagbucks (referral link – ask me for tips if you join) and was able to cash out another good chunk, and combine it with other previously cashed out chunks.

So far, I have gotten more than 1/3 of the way to my August 21st goal.

Oh. My. Goodness. I honestly can’t believe this is working.

But it is. I’m considering trying out being a driver for a meal delivery service to earn another 1/6 of the goal. I’m writing again because it’s an absolute fact that my words earn money, and the more words that are out there, the more money I will earn. Now, being a driver for the meal delivery service won’t earn the entire amount, and the words aren’t likely to generate that much so quickly.

The point isn’t that they’ll earn quickly, the point is that they’re out of my comfort zone. Miles outside.

I went ahead the moment I decided to try to earn the funds and requested the time off of work. I emailed the family member to ask if they’ll be in town, ensuring there’s someone who will ask how I’m doing, do I have tickets yet, etc. I told my husband, my kids, and my parents that I’m doing this thing, and while there is some confusion as to how I’m going to earn so much so quickly (on my part as well as theirs), everyone is on board. One of my parents may even come with me to spend time with the family I’ll be staying with when I go.

I am reaching for the sky.

Create, Clean, Connect

My weekend was nice enough, although hot and humid enough that wearing a damn t-shirt so I could be presentable out of the house was enough to make me melt. This is not my favorite weather, and I really hope Summer moderates itself soon.

Last week I watched a video on YouTube by MuchelleB about doing a mid-year review. I am familiar with such things around the end of the year but seeing everyone post about how amazing the first half of 2019 was for them, I was jealous.

Yep. I don’t particularly have the cares in me to improve on my own, but I apparently have enough cares to compete.

So I did the review, but I did it quickly. Maybe I half-assed it, but half-assed is better than no-assed right now. I’m kind of glad I can recognize that.

After the “figure out what you want” portion, I did the audit/review, but I’ll be honest. I got a hell of a lot more out of the “what do I want” bit, and the review had negligible benefits. What I have is three things that I want in my life, and I know there are a zillion ways to get these things, and so I am not so fluffed about not having a plan, because what I really have is a backup.

When I’m sad, or depressed, or in a dark place with no sign of light, I have three options.

I can Create,

For some reason I really want to paint lately, and that’s probably due to the flood of abstract art videos on my YouTube home page. I also want to write, because writing can help pay bills, and I know that when I’m writing I get more creative and that feels good.

You know, eventually.

I could also knit, cross stitch, art journal, or try to make something from the abundance of art supplies I keep in the house that I’ll probably never use. Whatever.

I just know creating makes me feel better. So I can do that.

I can Connect,

And by “connect” I mean “do things with people I like.” I don’t especially like to connect if I’m honest. I like to skulk in my space and not talk to people or interact. But I haul myself out of the house once a week to hang with friends, and these friends (and even a coworker) keep inviting me out to Things that would involve even more people.

Even though I don’t like connecting (and I have a real problem with spaces, occasions, and crowds I’m unfamiliar with), I know it’s good for me. It’s kind of like walking. I know I should do more of it For My Own Good, but it’s not always fun until you’re there or it’s over.


and I can Clean.

It’s just recently that I’ve put the dots together that clutter in my space adds anxiety, sadness, dark clouds of doom, and general unease to my life. There is so much that needs cleaning, tidying, uncluttering, etc in my home that it is absolutely overwhelming. But if I’m wallowing in some dark space, cleaning something else might not exactly help that moment, but it will help Future Nicki.

The garage was like that. What kind of immediate benefit did it have? I was tired at the end, sweaty, dirty, but the pictures were nice. But the real benefit is that now I think about the garage and I’m not afraid to go in there. I’m not afraid that there are things rotting inside. I don’t sweat about not being able to reach the bicycles that aren’t even put together, or the air compressor that I adopted from my parents when they moved getting ruined because it’s sitting next to spilled oil.

Because now the bikes are put back together, and the air compressor is A) easy to reach, B) near an outlet, and C) off the floor. All the rotting cardboard boxes have been removed, and the remaining boxes are easy to reach and off the ground. There’s nothing in there (dead shelving units) that needs to be taken to the trash (because the trash already picked them up).

Future Nicki is happy.

So that’s the result. I have Words for the rest of the year, Words I really shouldn’t tattoo on myself but kind of want to (don’t worry, I realize how bad of an idea that is), Words I will try to put it absolutely everywhere else so I kind of have to simmer in it (ooh, I have Sharpies).

Many thanks to MuchelleB for the timely information on this, because otherwise I might not have pulled my shit together enough for it. If you’re into some minimalist motivation that’s not going to make you tear your hair out or shove seriously misinformed information down your throat, so far, MuchelleB is doing pretty well and you may want to give her a shot.