Absolute Anarchy

I’m laying in bed, the night before the event starts, and narrating my blog post. This isn’t exactly anarchy, but as far as a disregard for the rules goes, I think I’m doing pretty well.

I’m narrating my blog post because I had an idea for the video that should go with it and I don’t want to forget. The video title should be, of course, Absolute Anarchy. Just to keep up with the alphabet theme. Also, alliterations.

The video contents are going to be along the lines of announcements of the events that are starting on the first day of April. These are not April Fools’ jokes.

April 1st is the start of both the A to Z Blogging Challenge, and Camp NaNoWriMo. As a side note, I’m terribly thrilled that my dictation software spelled NaNoWriMo correctly. First try. Nice.

Here’s where the anarchy comes in. I have mentioned more than once why I do not participate in these events any longer. I don’t want to rehash all that. The short version is that the strict adherence to the guidelines of these particular challenges takes all the fun out of the challenges for me these days.

So I won’t follow the rules. I signed up for the blog challenge but I won’t sign up for the novel challenge. I may try to write a novel. I may fall behind in the blog challenge. It’s going to be a crapshoot what shows up here from day to day.

If you’re up for that, or you’re my friend, welcome! Feel free to not point out when I haven’t met one of the goals of one of the challenges. I know. Trust me. Life hasn’t gotten any less crazy in 2021 for me. I’m just doing my best. That’s all any of us can do.

So here’s my blog post! All written!

Kind of!

Let’s see what happens with the video tomorrow. See you then.

Promise.

(Maybe.)

You made it all the way to the end? Faboo! Want to subscribe to my YouTube channel? Lovely! <- that particular link will do that annoying thing where it asks you to subscribe the minute you land. If you don’t want to subscribe, I understand. If you don’t want to stay subscribed, I understand. If you subscribe then get overwhelmed and then unsubscribe later, and then come back in a few weeks because you really, really missed me, I understand! 💖

I gave in – an AZ-plaination

Greetings and salutations friendly friends and people-y people!

I wasn’t going to do this. But now I am.

I was going to create a coloring book. But now I don’t know what I’m going to create.

I’ll probably be creating videos, to be perfectly frank. And maybe blog posts to go with them.

I will stick to the A-Z theme as much as each entry will have a focus on that letter of the alphabet.

I have not planned ahead.

I may, at some point update this blog header to reflect the new YouTube channel I’m currently posting at.

We shall see how much energy I have for such things.

It’s been a while since I’ve tried to flex my blog muscles.

Tsk.

Do you want me to be honest?

Understanding of this particular essay may depend on a basic knowledge of the character Dr. Gregory House from the TV show House – he’s smart, he hates people, and he’s not afraid to show his disdain, often with a heavy dose of rudeness and lack of social niceties.

So I was watching an episode of House (S5E17: The Social Contract) with one of my children recently. The patient had frontal lobe disinhibition, and he kept saying everything he thought, much of which was inappropriate. He alienated his wife in the process by admitting he sometimes regretted marrying her, that he thought people who helped others do great things did so because they couldn’t do great things themselves, he disparaged her career choices, etc. The patient also clearly felt horrible about all the things he was saying.

At one point, his wife reached her breaking point (understandably), but after House treated the patient and was discharged, we saw his wife come, tension high, and told him about her new job in the same vein as the career choice he had insulted earlier. His response, now that he had his faculties back, was along the lines of, “That’s great, honey. I know how hard you worked for that. I’m so proud of you.”

We (the audience) know that’s not what he felt at all. We know he thinks her job is a joke. House would have told her the new position was a joke much as the patient did before he was “cured” and he got his life-preserving “inhibitions” back.

But that’s what he chose to tell her.

So often I worry about what people think. Do they think I’m fat? Stupid? Are they laughing at me behind my back? We all have insecurities like this. “If I make decision A, which is best for me, will person X slam me in their head for not making decision B, which might arguably be best ‘in theory’ for ‘us’, but will actually make me miserable?” Sometimes it affects our behavior or decisions.

But watching that ending scene, I was so proud of the guy. Just a character in a TV show made up by writers like me, but still – despite the fact that he was trashing his wife, her choices, being lecherous with the doctors he was attracted to on the show – at the end, when he had the ability back to choose between honesty and care, he chose care.

Sometimes people tell us white lies, they avoid hard conversations, and what they tell us isn’t the truth, the whole truth, or anywhere near “nothing but the truth”. And maybe that’s okay. Do we need House-level honesty all the time? Not really. If our spouse thinks a thing we’re doing is stupid and unnecessary, does it help us to have that pointed out? Probably not. If it’s dangerous, sure. If it’s helping us deal with anxiety, stress, etc? Can we just let it go?

Thinky thoughts.

Crack

I deleted Facebook and Twitter from my phone tonight, not for the first time. I logged out of it in Chrome, too. This doesn’t usually last for very long. Usually about a week before I log back in, and another couple days before the apps go back on my phone.

Why this time? Ah, it’s probably silly. A YouTuber posted an opinion that hit a little close to home, pointing out that in a situation I’m currently experiencing, women like me are…well, in the wrong.

And that’s no big deal. I can brush that kind of stuff off. But the shock was the sweeping statement of absolutes. This Thing is a Need. Period. An absolute for all.

But…air is an absolute. Food. Water. But this Thing? No. A variation on the Thing? Yes. But what was said was more similar to, “Meat is a Need,” when we really know that it’s “Protein,” and all of the vegans out there are going to fight you on that meat shit.

So yeah. I know it wasn’t directed at me, but I’m still hurt. And part of me is doubtful of my worth now because of it. And that sucks.

💔 Crack.

Prepping for 2021

If I was an organized person, I would probably have a 5 part series of how I get ready for the new year. Okay, no. I am an organized person sometimes. But I’m not planning this. How’s that for correcting negative self talk? TAKE THAT, INSECURITIES!

Oh, hey! That’s the entire gist of my post! So if you’re bored already, go ahead. Scroll on.

It’s okay. I don’t mind.

So as I posted in the twit, I’ve set up my tracking spreadsheet for the new year. I got the idea to track things from a friend, and smooshed it together with the concept of tracking your word count for NaNoWriMo. It’s been several years since I started, and this year, I’ve adjusted it yet again to suit what’s currently going on.

My first tab has always been for tracking daily word counts. This year I had intended to try to write 1,000,000 words throughout the year with the intent to publish the stories or books that resulted. A friend was doing the challenge with me. I’m not sure how they fared, but I fell off the wagon fairly early. You might feel safe assuming that happened about mid-March, but it was actually about a month earlier. Stress from illness brought me down, and then quarantine and family stress kept me there.

So this year, my first tab is actually for tracking Mood. This is something the friend who was doing that million word challenge with me started for a mutual friend, and I decided at the very least, I want to look back at the year and see my colors. The mutual friend uses it as a reminder that most days aren’t as bad as they remember, and I think that’s going to be helpful for me as well.

My second and third tabs are YouTube related. Currently I’m focusing so hard on just making it through the end of December without additional, manufactured obligations that I’m not considering YouTube a priority. I’m hoping to get back on some kind of track in the new year, but honestly, I may not do that, either. But there are tabs to track both video titles of existing videos (which I need to update), as well as ideas for future videos.

Finally my fourth tab is for tracking words written. I have all 365 days laid out and the spreadsheet will calculate total words for the week, the percentage of change between one week and the next, the expected word count goal for that 1,000,000 word challenge (which I may hide), and how many words I should write to keep on track with that goal (which I may also hide). It’s pretty intense, actually.

The fifth tab also relates to words, and it’s a summary of the weekly words written for the year. It also shows the percentage of change from one week to the next, and color codes the best days down to the worst in terms of words written. That tab was a lot of fun when I was writing regularly. Now that I’m not, I’m not sure I’ll want to look over there, but it’s set up anyway.

There’s another tab, the sixth, for monthly totals of word count along with a pie chart to remind me about that 1,000,000 word goal. I’m leaving it in because it’s easier to do that rather than to put it back in later.

My final tab, for now, is the one tab I’ve been carting around since I started this tracking, and that’s my Title Tank. I keep a list of book titles I love with the intent to write them someday. I’ve tried once or twice, but it’s never paid off. So it’s probably just a list of books I’ll never write. Oh well. I still love them.

And that’s all the planning I’ve been able to manage lately! I may talk about doing a Yearly Review in the coming days, because that’s something I’ve always liked the idea of but haven’t ever managed. I did keep a pretty regular date book this year, though, so I may flip through those and gather the highs and lows. To see where maybe I’d like to improve, where I need to cut myself some slack, and what I want to make sure happens this next year is a good thing — but only if it comes without the ridiculous amount of pressure I tend to put on myself when I make lists like that. Baby steps, you know?

Loves!