Anxiety/Frustration

Frustranxiety? That might work.

I’m anxious. And frustrated.

I want to craft. I don’t want to be behind a computer.

When I have time to craft, I just want to be behind a computer.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, BRAIN.

I don’t like this.

I want to craft.

I don’t want to be behind a computer.

Thankfully, the feeling will pass in about eight hours.

*sigh*

It’s not working (Writer’s Group, No Writing!)

My writing group isn’t working for me. It’s not even a writing group like it was when we started. When we started, we got together and were quiet for giant swaths of time as we wrote, stopping to ask a question, get it answered, and move on. Sometimes we talked at length about someone’s story – asking questions, probing, learning – but it seemed to always be about writing.

But the group evolved and changed, as things do, and now it’s a social group. I like everyone who comes. They’re my friends. I like talking to them, learning about them, etc.

But it’s no longer a writing/editing group. It’s a group of writers who may occasionally happen to be able to get some writing in (usually by attending earlier than the rest of the group, thus avoiding the lure of conversation by eliminating other people to talk to).

When I want to write, everyone else wants to chat. When I want to chat, everyone else somehow manages to bury their heads in their projects.

That happened last night. I went and just wanted to write a blog post. My Chromebook battery was low – I hadn’t charged it fully the week before and hadn’t pulled it out of the bag to recharge it this week. My writing goals are meager these days. All that was on my plate was my response and ponderings about the amount of water I’ve been drinking lately.

And I got drawn into a conversation. Maybe I even initiated it after someone made a noise, I don’t remember. I enjoyed the conversation. I learned new things. I’m excited about what I learned.

But I am so fucking frustrated that at a writing group meeting I couldn’t even write a damned blog post. I’m frustrated that the things I want to say are so fucking fleeting that I can’t hold on to them after I get interrupted. I’m frustrated that the time for writing that I need isn’t there anymore because I can’t manage my time.

I’m frustrated. I don’t know how to “fix” this, or if there is a solution that doesn’t involve me ceasing to attend this event filled with friends. That’s a possibility, to be honest. One I’ve considered quite a bit but hesitate to mention out loud because of Reasons.

Well, at any rate, something needs to change. I’m a writer who doesn’t write, which essentially means I’m now just a gamer who doesn’t get paid for Netflixing while playing Skyblock in Minecraft. I write because of the potential to let my words pay for my life, and to free myself from the constraints of being someone else’s employee.

Maybe that reason isn’t good enough anymore.

Thoughts.

Water, floating

I learned a thing from the Internet (so please don’t take this as gospel) that you’re supposed to drink 1/2 your body weight in oz of water every day. (Have I mentioned this before? Please forgive me if I have.) So I’m giving it a shot.

At first it was really hard. I felt like I was floating and I wasn’t even halfway to my goal. You could literally (in my imagination, perhaps) hear the water sloshing around in my stomach, and I was in the bathroom every 30 minutes.

Really hard.

And I kind of gave up. Excuses were easy – my water bottle makes my water taste funny. If I don’t remember my water bottle, I go through entirely too much plastic with the single-use bottles at work.

I don’t really need all that water, right? (That’s another excuse, if it wasn’t clear.)

But I kept hearing the thing (because I keep listening to podcasts by the same person), and I don’t know – I decided to try again this week.

I didn’t realize – maybe you have – that drinking more water regularly makes it easier to drink even more water. Is that a thing? I mean, is it a stomach-stretching thing? I’m not sure (and I’m not really looking for an answer right now), but it was a surprise when I found it easier – like a lot easier – to drink more water this week. In fact, yesterday I managed to get 4 of the 5 water bottles down before going to bed. And today, I managed 4 bottles a heck of a lot earlier than I did yesterday. So it’s entirely possible that I’ll get the entire 5 done before I head to bed tonight.

I’m still in the bathroom all the time – that side effect just makes sense. But I’ve also noticed (after merely two days, y’all, so it’s entirely possible that this is unrelated) that I’m more awake. Have you ever read the thing that says you get tired when you’re dehydrated, so try drinking water? Me too. But I’ve never experienced water actually fixing the tired. I haven’t been getting more sleep. I haven’t changed anything else. But I’m so awake right now! I didn’t fall asleep during a kid appointment (which I have done before). I woke at 5 a.m. and could keep my eyes open! (Shortly thereafter I closed them again because I hadn’t gone to bed particularly early and I wanted the extra sleep, but still!)

At 300 lbs, drinking half my weight in water means I need to drink 150oz of water every day. That’s 5 of my 32oz water bottles (more or less).

That’s a lot of water.

Y’know, I had more to say, I’m sure. I’m going to rant about the loss of what else I wanted to say in another post.

For now, I’m just gonna finish off the last couple ounces of this bottle.

CRAFT, sleep, lack of caffeine, and other things flying through my head at a million miles an hour

Header photo

How much of that blog title will make it into the site URL, I wonder?

I need to craft something. Usually I get this urge in December after writing hard during November, but it’s here now. I want to cross stitch or embroider (I don’t know how to do that, by the way), or maybe figure out perler beads.

Painting would even do it at this point.

I’ve not been drinking caffeine lately, and I feel amazing. Here’s what happened:

I gave up caffeine. I went to bed at 9pm every night, woke at 6-ish. Felt pretty good.

But then I was doing laundry and the mini-fridge was stocked with Mtn Dew, so I grabbed one. And we had a bunch at home, so I had another. I brought one for lunch, I had one to wake up on the weekend, and I was feeling tired, and groggy, and so darn sleepy in the afternoon.

So I connected the dots (again – this is not the first time, but it is the first time it feels easy) and decided I liked feeling good in the mornings and I liked not yawning away my afternoons and I like how I feel when I’m not drinking the soda (specifically Mtn Dew, but any caffeinated soda will do).

So I stopped. Again

Maybe for good? It’s hard to tell with me.

I worry that I only write because I think it’ll be some big money windfall and that’s never going to happen, so why am I doing this again? I posted something on Twitter about it yesterday.

Ali clearly wasn’t talking about me in her thread, but OMG – what if that’s why I write? What if the only reason I keep trying to write is because I have it in my head that with hard work and constant publication, I too can get some of that giant cash wad? What if I don’t actually like it?

I have had this argument with myself about other things that I don’t think I have conviction with. It’s a thing.

I haven’t been writing lately, I’ve been playing a lot of Minecraft – Skyblock on Wabbit – and having a whole lot of fun there, so I’m going to ride it as long as it lasts. At some point I’ll get tired of it and move on to something else.

Like crafting. I need to f*ing craft something.

Header cow photo from freestocks.org by Pexels via Canva

Crunch

I’m going to be doing the Blog All About It blog challenge by herding cats & burning soup. If you like to blog, it’s not too late to start!


Spicy Doritos

Taco Bell #10

That piece of random something in the hot dog that shouldn’t be there

Overcooked pork pot stickers

Chocolate pieces in Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia

Beetles under your shoe

Bumper meeting bumper

Autumn leaves on late September mornings

Popcorn

The spine of a new book

Good celery, cucumbers, and apple slices

Gravel

Dry toast

This pointless, rambly bit of nonfiction is brought to you by the letter Autumn. Have a lovely week!